My cross to bear...(off topic ramblings)

I suffer from a disease called vertigo.  It is hard for people to understand because when you get down to it Vertigo really isn't really a disease.  It's more of a condition.  The bouts with my condition can be mild and last for a couple seconds or minutes to almost a week.  When vertigo hits the symptoms are completely crippling.  I write this now as I took off from work today for fear of having a stronger spell come on which it eventually does.  My focus wanes.  It becomes hard to form thought and getting words to come out without sounding drunk is a challenge.  I have some of the most severe symptoms of Vertigo you can imagine.  Unfortunately that statement doesn't hold much weight because you really can't imagine what this can feel like.  

My worst bout of Vertigo came a couple years ago where the pressure from an inner ear infection actually burst my eardrum.  The pain was excruciating.  Blood was actually dripping out of my ear.  To begin to describe it would not do it justice.  I dropped more F-bombs on my poor wife that a normal person might have run home to their mom or started filing divorce papers.  The thing is I am not 100% in my right mind when it strikes.  To say that episode hurt would be an understatement.  I have broken bones that didn't hurt as much as that time.  I was pounding on walls, pinching myself just to make the pain stop for a second.  There was nothing I could do about it besides wait for the Antibiotics to run their course which took a couple days.

So that killer infection coupled with the vertigo I was out of it for I think 5 days.  Screaming in pain like I had been shot and unable to focus, or walk.  I would wake up after I finally passed out from complete exhaustion next to the toilet with a towel as a pillow.  To say I suffer from vertigo is an understatement.  Vertigo, when is strikes, completely owns me.  The medication I take decreases the symptoms enough to allow me to function, and that's about it.  I just need to ride the rest out.  There is the Epley maneuver I am supposed to do which tricks the brain a little bit which helps too. So what do you just get dizzy or something?  Yeah I just get dizzy.  Dizzy times 10.  I am trying to think how to describe it as something you might have felt.  Seasickness is a good start at least if you ever had that, or maybe that feeling you get when you step off the Rotor at the amusement park.  See those things are temporary, imagine if that feeling lasted for hours if not days.  

The best way I can describe it is imagine having to actually focus on moving your legs, then imagine if every time you had to make a turn you would have to allow your eyes to focus on where you need to go before your legs could take you there.  Narrow hallways suck and make things worse, and stairs?  Forget about it.  I need to walk to wide open spaces to begin to even function.  Eyes first, legs next.  Normally your legs take you where you need to go but with vertigo your eyes need to show your legs where you need to go before they will work.  If your eyes aren't going first and your legs just do what they normally do, you are probably going to vomit, fall or possibly pass out.  When it hits while I am driving I am a danger to myself and anyone on the road.  I cannot focus on anything but straight ahead of me.  If I look in the rear view mirror it's like watching everything in tunnel vision.  Thank goodness I know well before when it strikes so I am not behind the wheel.  I would imagine it to be like driving completely wasted focusing on the lines on the highway trying to stay straight.

So when does it happen?  I have no control of it.  This time it just came on out of nowhere.  I feel nauseous, and a little off center.  My brain feels cloudy.  It feels like my skull is filled with water.  It's not heavy, it's just doesn't feel right.  The last huge episode I did nothing other than get up too fast from the couch.  So when I don't like to go on amusement park rides you need to understand that feeling of weightlessness might not only last a couple seconds for me.  I might just ruin your day at the park.  Even riding an elevator while suffering a bout of vertigo could make me fall, or vomit.  It's all about having no clear sense of equilibrium.  

I think the worst part of it is when I talk I can't form sentences at times and I forget very simple words.  It is embarrassing at times for someone that is pretty damn articulate to not be able to say a simple word like dog or cat.  I seem to type well as I am in the middle of a minor episode but the motor function of brain to mouth is flawed.  I need to really focus and think in order to actually form complete full sentences.  I might stop mid sentence to search for a word, and I sound drunk at times.  I slur my speech a bit.  My focus again must be 100% concentrated on in order to do the most simple function of walking, or talking.  I lose track of time and can just stare off into space for hours at a time.  I find one spot to look at and focus in on it so I don't have to move my eyes or the nausea will come back as I lose my sense of equilibrium.  I stare off into space until I fall asleep then wake up not remembering where I am for a moment.  Then I do it all over again and take antivert to help the room stop spinning.  Today is mild.  I will get over it but I thought it was worth writing about to better understand what I go through.